Why Won’t They Apologize?
We’ve all been there: someone you care about messed up, and you want them to say they’re sorry. What if they don’t?
In some cases, you might try to just let it go, somehow convincing yourself an apology isn’t needed. You might let the situation fester, trying to ignore the resentment growing like a fungus. If it’s a homestay student, you might give up altogether and ask for a relocation, ending a relationship that has gone bad.
There are a lot of reasons why people don’t apologize. In some cultures, apologizing in intimate relationships is simply not done—it would only create distance. Even in cultures where apologizing is expected, our childhood experiences of apologizing can lead us to avoid it altogether as adults. It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong, especially if our self-worth is at stake. Or we may have been taught that apologizing makes us weak. For others, apologies are a tool of manipulation.
Yet, as psychologist Harriet Lerner says in her wonderful book “Why Won’t You Apologize,” apologies help the other person to feel validated, soothed, and cared for. They are a tool for repair.
So what to do, if you’ve been hurt and an apology isn’t forthcoming? As I said to a friend recently: have you considered asking for an apology?
Regardless of how you feel about apologies, many people agree that asking or being asked can render the apology meaningless. But, as Lerner says, “the challenge of apology and reconciliation is a dance that occurs between two people.” You are part of that dance, and it’s okay to invite the other person to consider their behaviour and make room for a sincere apology. As long as you aren’t demanding it, their apology can be genuine.
When making your request, Lerner recommends keeping the following ideas in mind:
Stick to the facts (don’t exaggerate);
Say it shorter (over-talking leads to under-listening);
Stay calm (timing, tact, and kindness make honesty possible);
Shaming never helps (separate behaviour from character); and
Take responsibility for your part.
If the other person attempts to make amends, be generous in accepting the apology offered to you in good faith.
And next time you’re the one who messes up, look at your mistake as a chance to model the heartfelt, spontaneous apology that you would like to receive.
How do you handle apologies in your family?
